Suppporting Parents and Families Across Generations

When my boys were young, the wisdom of parents who’d already ‘been there, done that,’ was beyond valuable to me. We were navigating complex special needs with my oldest and my weekday life found me juggling multiple doctors, tests, and therapies with him, while also trying to provide him with the ‘normalcy’ of an incredible farm-based preschool. Little brother spent his early months napping in his car seat and was the most flexible of babies, happily hanging out at coffee shops and hospital-provided childcare. I adored these children, and worried constantly about the impacts of this sort of childhood on each of them.

The parent community at our Episcopal church was my weekly therapy and comfort, and it was the parents who’d already navigated the early years, whose teenagers and young adults appeared to be thriving, whose advice and support meant the most to me. Parents who’d already been through diagnoses for learning and attention disorders, who’d advocated for the best care and education for struggling children; the mere fact that they were standing there, smiling, felt deeply hopeful. I knew then as I know now that no two families’ journeys are identical, but the sharing of our struggles and anxieties, and their presence on a place in the path beyond what I could see…that was parental balm to me.

Now that my own kids are teens and young adults, I’ve been blessed with many opportunities to commiserate with and support younger parents. It’s especially valuable for parents of what one friend calls neuro-spicy kiddos to be able to turn to someone who’s been down that road, but in truth, all parents have hopes and fears and the need to be in community with others. There is nothing more assuring than to have the parent of a young person you admire and respect say, ‘Oh yeah, I remember when mine were that age; they did the same thing!’

Did you know, that in the pre-industrial age, the average village had an adult-to-child ratio of about 4:1? That’s four adults per child in the community. Aunties and uncles and grandparents all there to love and form the children, which translates to a community of support for the parents of those children. Most of us have to work to create that kind of village for our families in modern America, and I firmly believe church is part of that work.

Which is why we extended our monthly parents’ brunch to our community of those whose kids are “grown and flown” (18 and up, in college or jobs, creating their young adult lives). I asked them to scatter among the tables with our younger parents and begin to get to know them. To help the conversation flow, I asked each table to consider three questions:

• (Grown & Flown Parents): What did your children gain by growing up in a church community that they couldn’t gain at school or in sports or other extracurricular activities?

• (Parents of Younger Children): What do you hope your children will gain by growing up in a church community that they wouldn’t gain at school or in sports or other extracurricular activities?

• (All Parents): What did you gain/What do you hope to gain, by raising your children in this church community?

Conversations were lively, connections were made, and the invitation for these more experienced parents will be extended again to strengthen community among this group. Soon, we will also invite our 60+ community to join us for brunch to expand the intergenerational support of our young families.

Parenting can be one of the most isolating seasons of adult lives, and I hope that all parents reading this will look at the community surrounding you and reach out for the village you need. Parents, where do you find mentorship, support, and community for yourself and your children? How many trusted adults play a role in your kids’ daily lives? Grandparents, those in ministry, where might you find a space in your parish life to build these kinds of connections for your families? Jesus’ ministry started with the calling of a community to support and enrich his work; let’s nurture the young families in our lives by building the same for them.