Last year I transitioned from full-time ministry in the Episcopal Church to full-time work in a therapy practice. Twenty-four years of ministry combined with new skills in Professional Counseling has led to quite a bit of reflection on some best practices for healthy relationships.
With our children, especially in their current preteen and teen years, offering patience with their faith questions has been paramount. Not only for their faith development, but also for our parent/child relationship. One thing we humans need to do as we age and mature is test the boundaries set by our parents, including ones related to faith. Pushing against these boundaries helps us figure out who we are and what we believe. What are our personal beliefs and what belongs to our parents?
Growing Christians need to know that their questions and doubts are welcome. When we take our kids’ questions seriously, we offer safety and security. We provide a loving, affirming place where they are encouraged to explore, change, and grow. In our household, the primary place this happens is around our kitchen table. The main reason we strive to keep eating dinner together is the opportunity it provides us to talk, wonder, and share.
One of my great joys has been sharing church with my children these past 15 years. Early on I watched them grow from fussy babies into curious toddlers to watching our 4-year-old daughter act as “mayor” of the church, joyfully waving and greeting everyone she passed. Also at four, she told my wife the week before Christmas, “Mommy, when you guys go wait for Jesus to come again, I’m just going to stay home.” While we didn’t grant that wish, her statement reminded me that kids think about Jesus and their faith outside of Sunday morning. It leads to all sorts of fascinating questions, not unlike what Elliott May shared last month.
But these years weren’t only marked by wins. Nothing has been more difficult for me in ministry than the time a parishioner criticized my children’s behavior during worship. Their boundless energy and constant movement in the pew made me wonder if they absorbed anything happening around them. As if they could sense my concern, our kids began raising a piece of toast over their heads at breakfast and dramatically pulling it apart like at the fraction.
With two priests for parents, our children have attended church services consistently their entire lives. Our teenage son is committed to respecting the beliefs of his parents, but it’s also clear that he holds them at arm’s length. And yet, it’s obvious to me that sitting in pews all these years has truly made an impact on him. Whether he believes in what we profess during the Nicene Creed isn’t as important to me right now as him believing that he is loved and that he belongs. Thanks to a lot of intentional communication at home and at church, both of our children believe in those two things. It remains a great joy watching them read lessons in church, carry the processional cross, administer the chalice, and prepare baked treats to serve their church community during coffee hour.
We laid the foundation for open communication in their early years and I think it’s paying off now. I’m grateful our son feels comfortable pushing these boundaries and exploring his own beliefs with us, even when they aren’t what I would choose for him. I try my best not to take what he says personally, and to follow the counsel I offer to so many of my clients.
It will be no surprise to hear that encouraging clear communication is something I offer in nearly every therapy session. It’s not just limited to a therapy practice; clear communication is also an excellent way to help all Christians grow in their faith. Things like speaking in clear and precise statements. Meeting our kids’ statements with curiosity rather than judgment. Asking open ended questions to encourage continued dialogue.
Here are some of the questions that I find help people to communicate more clearly, to feel heard and understood, and to grow in trust and closeness in relationship. I offer them to you for your use in your relationships and added a couple that might help grow Christians all around you.
What is it that you need just now to get past (insert hurt/ pain point here)?
What is it that you need from God to get past (insert hurt/pain point here)?
What I hear you saying is (repeat back what you have heard), is that right? Is that what you meant?
What is something you would enjoy doing if you had less on your plate?
Is there anything I can take off of your plate today?
Who are people you would like to spend more time with?
Where are you seeing God at work in your life just now?
When do you feel closest to God’s love? Are there things I can do or say to help you move closer to God?
If you could ask Jesus one question, what would that be?
What questions do you ask to grow in relationship with those you love?
What questions do you ask to help children grow in their relationship with God?
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Your blog post resonated deeply with me, Eric. Your emphasis on fostering clear communication within families, especially with growing children, is incredibly valuable. Creating a safe space where kids feel encouraged to ask questions and express doubts not only nurtures their faith development but also strengthens the parent-child bond. Your personal anecdotes beautifully illustrate the challenges and triumphs of navigating faith within a family setting, making the message relatable and heartfelt. I particularly appreciate your practical tips on using open-ended questions and active listening techniques to promote dialogue and understanding. Keep up the great work in both your therapy practice and your ministry!