Co-Parenting Communication

Co-parenting. We are aware that our experience does not reflect that of other people in a broken relationship. We are lucky. With the help of friends and therapy and prayer, and the privilege of flexibility to work on making us each the healthiest versions of ourselves, we have a relationship in which repair and reconciliation are ongoing.

Our communication doesn’t always go well. That’s real life too…not because we are divorced, but because we are human. 

So much of what we have learned about communicating as co-parents now informs how I communicate with others more broadly, especially our kiddos. We are proactive when we can be, responsive with frequency, and constantly learning how to better handle our reactive moments. 

As of last month, when our oldest aged into pre-driving status, my ‘was-band’ and I have been co-parenting for 15 years. It looks a little different now that we are no longer married, but our standards of communication haven’t changed. In fact, we’ve raised the bar. Married or not, a handful of new, non-explicit, but practiced habits have brought additional insight into how “healthy” communication can look. 

I realized recently just how much better we are at communicating proactively and responsively rather than reactively. Perhaps it’s the distance between our homes that makes us *think* we need to communicate differently, when in reality the things we do now would have been useful when we were co-parenting as a married couple, too. 

Proactive – How can we reduce confusion, panic, or other stressful feelings in our communication? Be proactive about the things we *can* control. 

1. 1. Share calendars and assign responsibility. Alan and I cannot see each other’s personal calendars, but each of our boys have a Google calendar (which they had long before they had phones) AND we created a “Both Boys” calendar, which our boys can see, too. These calendars govern everything. If it’s not there, it’s not real. If we have addresses where boys need to be, specifics of a swim meet, which choir uniform to wear, arrival time versus start time, anything, it goes in the calendar entry. The information is entered, just waiting to be read and referenced,   preventing panicked last minute texts from one to the other. Additionally, unless I am specifically asked to do so because he’s driving, Alan inputs ALL of the boys’ calendar details. That way, there’s no ambiguity about whose responsibility it is to get it in there. 
   2. Send a weekly “Who’s doing what where” email. I can’t tell you how much I wish we figured this out years ago. On Sunday (or Monday… ) I send an email accounting for all calendar events during  the upcoming  week, including who’s dropping off, who’s picking up, and any questions surrounding the event or transportation that need solving  ahead of time. It takes *maybe* 10 minutes, and saves so much time and confusion during the week.
   3. Share a meal regularly (and plan). Whether we go Dutch or treat our co-parent, sharing a meal is a grace-filled opportunity. Humans, in all our emotions and strength, still cannot exist on our own. We need sustenance —food, community, and spoiler, healthy relationships. Communion, where grace and gratitude are exchanged, can look different. Often led by opportunity (EYC outing to Urban Air, for example), but sometimes purposefully scheduled when the need arises, Alan and I sit down with our calendars, emails from various teams and camps, and each other, in person, and plan ahead. This time we give each other actually saves time in the long run, and also signals the unspoken gift of priority. 
   4. Maintenance: Being honest about how we are feeling following  a conversation is important. Humans are powerful beings, but not mind readers. Alan and I both have learned to say we are “struggling with this” or “that feels dismissive” so when we are hurting, it doesn’t fester for just the wrong explosive opportunity later. 

Responsive

1. Listening matters. We all know this, but do we practice it? Attention is the holiest gift we can give, and when we short circuit that process, we set ourselves up for  failure. Missing a detail in conversation because we’re actually on our phones can mean a missed pick-up or an agreed-to switch in weekends that later catches us by surprise. 
2. Lead with grace and generosity. Assume best intentions. Or assume no intentions. Just respond to exactly what was shared or asked.
3. Say “yes” to each other whenever possible. Cause why not? See ‘lead with grace.’ When you have the opportunity to make anyone’s life a little easier, why wouldn’t you? 

Starting to feel reactive…

1. 1. Ask questions before making statements. Last month, something said ruffled my feathers, and I already spent my grace and generosity quota on my students that day. I needed a reminder that what I don’t know is greater in quantity than what I do know. Leading with curiosity rather than accusations helps control “the story I tell myself,” which is often full of made-up assumptions and mis-information.
   2. Trust your intuition. And sometimes, it’s not our own emotions bubbling up, but we sense that our co-parent isn’t quite right. Can this chat or question wait for later? No? Then maybe ask if they’re okay before proceeding. 
   3. There’s a magic level at which conversations need to be finished in person. When your gut tells you to stop, stop. Back when the storm that is Maycember was just rolling in, Alan and I had a text exchange that left me angry, sad, disappointed, and a little fiery. I was reading a situation, telling myself a version of the story, and due to some chaos elsewhere in my life, I couldn’t see the light anywhere. A few days later we were together at a church youth event, and Alan asked about that very day. He could tell something wasn’t right and asked about the conversation. We then had an opportunity to clarify what we wanted to happen, how to find a middle ground, and a way forward. 

The boys see us interact positively in-person and can sense that our relationship is cooperative. It is paramount to us that they learn that you don’t have to agree with someone on everything to be civil. That in fact, hurt can happen, and we can still love and serve others the way Jesus taught us.