This past weekend, the girls and I went to our favorite city to see our favorite band in concert. Because it’s also the city where Kaia wants to go to college, we squeezed in three college visits, along with some sightseeing. I couldn’t have known my well-intentioned plans were a potential recipe for disaster.
Things started off well – the concert on the first night was amazing. The first college visit felt like a great fit for Kaia. We took advantage of free parking near the El and took a trip downtown to hang out for the day. Lots of pushing, getting lost, and high temperatures ensued, and by the end of the night, we were wiped out.
As we sat in the hotel room, eating our delicious deep-dish pizza, Kaia began to lose it. Epically lose it. She began to say things I never thought I’d hear her say.
Maybe I don’t want to go to school here. You’ve wanted to go to school here for years; it’s all you’ve talked about since the first time we visited and every visit since and all the time in between visits.
Maybe I don’t want to go to college. More consoling words from me.
I just don’t want to do this anymore. Deep breath, ok, what’s happening here?
I’m not saying I want to kill myself, but I’m just so tired of all of this. I just want it to be over. The wheels of my brain skidded to a halt.
The next couple of hours involved lots of tissues and tears, sobs and hugs, soul baring and sadness. We talked about her feelings, her perceptions, her worries and her fears. “I don’t really want to kill myself,” she kept repeating. “I’m just so tired of everything.”
It happens that I’m reading a new Forward Movement title by Ryan Casey Waller called Broken, mainly because I’m interviewing the author for our donor newsletter. That’s how God works in our lives sometimes, isn’t it? God give us just what we need, just when we need it. That’s the case with this book.
Kaia’s I don’t want to do this anymore took me back to my fourteen-year-old self who tried to slit her wrists but hates the sight of blood so much she couldn’t go through with it. It took me to my close friend, John, who committed suicide when we were both twenty-five. I thought about the recent rise in suicides in my school district, especially in younger kids, victims of bullying. The one thing they all have in common? No one likes to talk about it, and if so, not for long.
Suicide permeates our culture and society, irreparably damaging families and individuals, yet we whisper about it behind closed doors. News stories about these tragedies come and go. After I consoled my daughter to the point of exhaustion, I laid awake trying to create a plan for how I would support her emotional life during this critical year – her senior year in high school. I prayed to God that God would grant us peace, and help me find what Kaia needed to feel more positive each day than negative.
When I woke up, I remembered something I had read in the introduction of Broken:
I am learning that we need to pour out our brokenness, not to God, but to each other, so that we can know that we are not alone. Something sacred happens when we make ourselves vulnerable to one another—we connect. And in connection, we find healing and life.
I liked that passage so much that I marked it with a purple Post-it flag. I couldn’t have known then how much that passage would affect me. The first thing I thought about was that I wasn’t going to bury this episode with Kaia and act like it didn’t happen. How many times have I heard distraught parents and friends say, “I didn’t think she really meant it” and “I never thought he’d really do it?” Too many.
Ryan Casey Waller is right. By sharing in our brokenness, we find healing. We find God. We find ourselves and each other. Just like the lights in the picture above, only one or two wouldn’t make a big difference. But when we all shine our lights, the darkness is no more.
Broken is a great book for parents, and youth group leaders—Waller asks lots of soul-searching questions that help you explore your personal faith. His writing style is very down-to-earth and easy to access. I plan to use a few of these essays with my youth group.
One essay that really hit home is called “that time I needed therapy.” As he shares his story of finally seeing a therapist, Waller urges us to seek help for our mental problems in the same way we would seek help for any other illness. I’ve always shied away from getting help, even though I know I could benefit from it. Reading about Waller’s experience helps me feel like I’m deserving of healing, too.
As for Kaia, she’s feeling much better – the next college tour went well, and she’s back to seeing herself as a student in her favorite city. A few more days into the school year have her feeling more secure in her friendships. She’s beginning to open her mind to the concept of counseling; the fact that her older sister saw a counselor for a year while dealing with a suicidal friend helps.
As for me, I’m not sitting silent and letting this one go. I’m getting help for her, and for me. How about you? Do you have anything happening in your life with your kids or teens that you need to talk about? Go ahead and talk about it with you friends, your therapist, your priest, or share it on Facebook. You’ll find, as Ryan Casey Waller and I did, you are not alone. You’re never alone.
Do you ever feel alone in your brokenness? What do you do? What can you do differently?
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Friends, thank you for your comments. They are deeply appreciated. This was a hard post to revisit. Unfortunately, a classmate of Kaia’s committed suicide yesterday. Please pray for her classmates and for Kaia. We must keep talking about this, and I’ll keep working with her – she says she’s fine, but i’m not taking chances with this beautiful child of God.
Thank you Miriam for pulling back the curtain on a topic that IS plaguing our society and devastating children and their parents. Mental illness is a frightening, exhausting, and almost always results in isolation.
The isolation comes entirely from fear, and honestly, ignorance. We are too afraid to know how to help, and we don’t want to make the situation worse.
If we all train ourselves to remember that anxiety, depression, and all forms of emotional imbalance are not character flaws, but chemical flaws, we can all play a role in reducing this disease.
When a person panics or is depressed, the brain simply does not have the proper chemicals in stock to allow the brain to work properly and recover rationally.
Prayer is part of the solution, as it creates the energy required to help an anxious person calm down and recover. Talk therapy, exercise, and medication, are all essential.
As Rick Warren writes: Impression without Expression Equal Depression.
If there ever was a time for loving kindness, it is when someone is struggling emotionally. Supporting them with prayer, verbal and physical encouragement (hugs or a gentle hand), a silent presence, or even a text saying “I’m here for you” is God’s grace in action.
Peace and empathy for us all!
So much good stuff here, thank you! You’re right – we’re spending time as a family encouraging her, and each other. Our newly formed youth group at church is helping, too – whether she thinks so or not! Thanks for your good advice.
We put so much pressure on our children to achieve and get into a great college, and then to work hard and get a great job. They can lose sight of the things that are really important–loving and serving the Lord. That may involve going to college right away, it may involve taking time off and exploring other options. Their lives are precious gifts from God to cherish and give back to him, not a list of tasks they must achieve.
God bless you and your daughter.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment, and for your blessing. You’re right about where the focus should lie. We’re working on it. Peace.
What a beautiful, vulnerable sharing from you and your daughter. It matters and is a true example of your words above. Thank Kaia especially as she shines her own light for others who feel similarly. She is a caring person and also is blessed to have a mother who listens, validates and cares. Many blessings on her journey to college!
Thank you, Cynthia. We’re working through this, thanks for your good thoughts!
Blessings on your journey – I appreciate your honesty and bravery!
Thank you, Barb!
Thank you so much for this. Suicide can happen at any age. It is most terrifying with young people. We must be open to hear each other’s hurts and to recognize our own.
Thanks, Rachel!