On April 11, which was International Free Listening Day, I put on my “Free Listening” shirt, grabbed the cardboard sign with the same message, and headed to a downtown street corner where I waited for people to stop and talk. They did.
I suspect because of my gray hair, it was mostly older folks who stopped. Some were understandably puzzled about what I was doing. I briefly described the Urban Confessional: Free Listening Project which invites people to do what I was doing: simply make oneself available to hear, in this noisy and contentious time, what others need to say. Some just wanted directions to the closest coffee shop, but others heard the invitation in the explanation, and stayed to share a story or a concern.
The one that continues to haunt me was a woman who fretted about her young adult grandchildren’s inability to listen, or to converse. She said that at her granddaughter’s college, prior to the first freshman mixer, the college actually posted a list of questions that could be used to start a conversation because kids no longer know how. The idea was to help them feel more comfortable meeting the other new students face-to-face, rather than text-to-text. (When I got home from my morning listening, I googled “conversation starters for college freshmen” and in .7 seconds had 895,000 websites.)
She said she was disturbed but not surprised by this because a friend of her grandson had actually taken his father with him to a job interview since he didn’t know how to ask and answer questions in person — but figured his father could speak and listen for him. (He didn’t get the job.)
This pensive grandmother deepened my appreciation for the Free Listening Project’s mission to provide time and space for people to speak what’s on their hearts to someone whose sole job is to listen.
In the weeks that have passed since Free Listening Day, I’ve realized that for those families who access sites such as Grow Christians, conversation is already happening. The various saints’ day projects, suggestions for prayer and parenting, ideas for books to read and outdoor activities to try – all these necessitate talking with the children, and listening to their responses. Interaction, conversation, is assumed.
What a gift this is to the children! I knew it from a faith perspective, but it is bigger than that.
When they are first year college students heading to their first dance, the intentional work you have done to raise them faithfully means that they won’t have to rely on any of those 895,000 prepared “conversation-starter” options. They will have their own lively curiosity about others, a lifetime of table fellowship and conversation, and the ability to see Christ in each person they meet. What better way to encounter the stranger?
Have you ever tried “free listening”? Would you?
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Mary Lee, thank you for this and your ongoing ministry of interpreting the needs, concerns and hopes of the world to the church.
I am deaf. I am also a priest. I have found out that when I am wearing my collar, people will sit by me on a bus and talk “at” me for as long as I will sit with them, even though I tell them that I cannot hear them. I’ve heard and lip read horrendous and wondrous stories from perfect strangers, often illustrated with photos pulled out of wallets. I am sure that I miss many details, but people need to talk, need to work through their grief or excitement or whatever. It doesn’t seem to bother the speaker that I cannot hear them…they just need to talk it through, probably over and over again.
Now…shoe on the other foot department…when I or other deaf folks have needed to talk, we usually go to another deaf person. We have mostly found out, the hard way, that hearing folks don’t seem to want to spend time listening to deaf folks talk, even when a deaf person speaks clearly and well. Apparently many hearing people seem to consider deaf folks to be “unpersons” or something.
Go figure!
I’m so sad to hear that you encounter a sense of being an “unperson” when you are in need of a listening heart. Your experience AS the listening heart in public places is such an important reminder of the universal need to be heard….
Unfortunately, most people do not care to make the effort to communicate with deaf people. Asking someone to communicate by writing usually gets you a dirty look or the person just walks away. Even a person who can finger-spell or sign may not wish to be bothered. They’ll say, “Oh, I’ll tell you about it later,” BUT “later” often doesn’t happen. When it does, the time when you could make a contribution to the conversation is long past. These are some of the reasons deaf people tend to avoid events or gatherings with hearing folks other than immediate family members.
I was very fortunate in that when I lost my hearing as a child of six, my entire family, including aunts and cousins, learned to finger-spell so that I rarely felt left out of conversations, and was able to participate freely in “hearing” events. This was a great blessing which few deaf folks enjoy.
Thank you for an interesting perspective and a generous response! Your gift of listening models something missed today and gives me courage to remember to do the same! THANKS!
A generous listener is rare. Listening is a offering. We will share this good article with our families at St. Paul’s. Another wonderful article, Mary Lee.
I learned from Indians how they tuned into listening. Some were young, some were old but all were brought up with the importance of listening whether it to stories ,when help was need by a neighbor, or the sounds of nature. Nicholas Smith