At coffee hour, an older couple fairly new to the congregation approached me: “Our daughter just had her first baby and they don’t go to church. What can we do? ”
With a sigh, I confessed that my grandchildren aren’t baptized; my two-career-family adult children spend Sundays at home or adventuring with the little ones.
They don’t go to church either.
While I was growing up, my family went to church faithfully; if we went on a trip, my parents would scope out the location of the nearest Episcopal Church. Attending church was so ingrained that I never stopped going, even during college. I assumed my children would follow the same pattern.
I’ve recently been re-reading old journals from my young motherhood years. They reminded me how much time we used to spend at St. Luke’s Episcopal Church in Ft. Collins, Colorado when my boys were growing up. Back in the 1980’s, we were there not only every Sunday, but for every family program that was offered. I often biked to the Tuesday morning Eucharist, with my younger son in his bike seat behind me. My older son read the lesson from Isaiah for the Advent Lessons and Carols when he was only six. We prayed grace every evening, did the Jesse Tree during Advent, went to all the Holy Week services. The church was a second home in those years.
Times have changed. A lot of Baby Boomer grandparents share my sense of loss – okay, admit it – my sense of failure – as we realize that for our grandchildren, unchurched-ness isn’t going to be a temporary thing. I took very seriously the new grandparents’ question: “What can we do?”
What helped me answer was not just commiseration, though that gave me street cred, but something I heard Catholic writer Ronald Rolheiser say back in 2007, five years before my first grandchildren were born. He had just given a talk on mature discipleship, and when he opened the floor to questions, a weepy grandmother asked, “How am I to deal with family who no longer go to church?” Her deepest fears were for the souls of her unbaptized grandchildren.
Ron Rolheiser responded, “We are the Body of Christ. Don’t ever forget that. Do you love them? Do you pray for them?”
The grandmother replied, “Of course.”
“Then,” he said, “through you, they touch the hem of his garment. They are fine. They are bound to Christ through you.”
Now that I am Grandma to four beloved unchurched grandchildren, I return to those words again and again, and as I shared them with the new grandparents at coffee hour, I could see their panic subside. Then we brainstormed ways of sharing our sense of God’s grace and goodness without being overtly “churchy”– and the grandfather lit up: “Oh, we can take her camping! I can share the beauty of a sunrise!….” We laughed and sighed and brainstormed some more. Of course our grandchildren are beloved of God; of course they will be fine.
For those of you currently raising children in the church, take heart in knowing that even if the pattern of church attendance doesn’t stay with them as they move into adulthood, the patterns they are learning there of hope, gratitude, goodness, and compassion will endure. I like it when our bishop reminds us, “Jesus never said, ‘Worship me,’ but “Follow me.’” Your children will follow the Way of Jesus, though they may not call it by name, and their children will learn from them – and from you.
Never forget: we are all the Body of Christ, and the hem of his garment.
[Image credit: Public Domain via Wikipedia Commons]
How do you act as the hem of Christ’s garment to others?
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This is a comforting message, and I tend to agree that the deposits of Spirit in the lives of our children (and even grandchildren!) are powerful and long-lasting. We see this in the good manners and kindness of our progeny, and should rejoice over this.
However, who can deny that we each hold personal responsibility for the relationships we choose to engage in?
If my grandchild chooses to have a relationship with a Satanist (an extreme, although sadly realistic example), will I have to answer to God for that choice?
If my grandchild actually embraces Satanism, am I now damned for my spiritual connection with my grandchild?
Conversely, is my now Satanist grandchild going to be welcomed into the halls of heaven for my sake? That seems unfair to all the other Satanists.
Selah.
It doea say in psalms 100 to make a joyful noise to the Lord. Serve the Lord with gladness. Come into His presence with singing. So He does want us to worship…and have fun
We were made to worship Him. And we each individually have to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior.
A beautiful reflection! Thank you. I encourage you and everyone else in this situation to consider Jerome Berryman’s new book, “Stories of God at Home: A Godly Play Approach.” It is a wonderful way for grandparents to share stories with their grandchildren during family vacations, at holiday time, and more….a way that is very non-threatening. Check out the website for the book: http://www.storiesofgodathome.com. It has lots of resources to help everyone be successful at using this approach at home.
I am so thankful to have come across this article. I to am a grandmother with grandchildren who are not baptized. As adults my sons chose not to continue to go to church as I raised them in their childhood. I took them to church with me every Sunday and they attended catechism up to the age of 12. Now that they are married with families of their own, I have suffered in silence as only two of my seven grandchildren are baptized. When the un-baptized children were born you can’t imagine how many times I wanted to sneak them over to the church and ask Father to baptize them. Of course I never did this because something in my heart kept telling me, “these are children of God, he would not turn his back on them simply because they are not baptized.” I finally came to terms with this situation and realized that it was MY upbringing that was causing me the torment. For years growing up being told I was going to go to Hell if I didn’t go to church and my children would go to Hell if they weren’t baptized. I guess my parents were only following the lifestyle they were brought up in and passed that on to us. Fortunately for my sons, I allowed them to follow their own paths. I knew they would be fine as they were taught the difference between right and wrong and they have made good choices in their lives. Their choice not to go to church is what worked for them. They have raised great kids who have known they are loved and are now branching out on their own. I love my children dearly and they are my life. Who would have thought that this simple little phrase, “we are all the Body of Christ, and the hem of his garment” is what I needed to hear so many years ago and would have put my mind at ease. I feel validated that I let my children make their own choices about what was right for them and their children. Thank you for sharing this thought. Peace be with you.
I wept when I read this. I very much needed to know that I am not alone. I would like to reprint your article in my parish’s newsletter. How do I go about getting permission?
Thank you so much for your words. I believe Mary will receive your question by email, but I will also write her separately and ask her. I have your email through the comment form and I will pass it on to her for her response.
Not alone at all — I suspect most of us who are grandparents have one or more sets of grandchildren who are beloved children of God, but who are not being raised within the church itself. Because it feels, well, shameful to admit, we tend not to talk about it.
I am blest to live 10 minutes from my only grandchildren. We moved all the way across the country to be near their parents before they were born. I made a commitment to bring them to church myself every Sunday since they were both babies. I gave up singing in the choir and chalicing to do this but it has been well worth it. My oldest is now 9 and has begun acolyting and ushering. My 6 year old doesn’t love it because he hates to sit still but he wants to come. The parents don’t come which saddens me but I still have faith that “a little child will lead them.”
Have you read Leslie Stahl’s book Becoming Grandma? She writes about grandparents doing just what you did: relocating to be near grandchildren — and how important grandparents are in the lives of those children. What a blessing you are for yours! And I love your closing comment, and pray that it may be so that “a little child will lead them…..”
Thanks for the message and for the catacomb photo. I share the problem – my four grandchildren are not baptized and have no experience with the church. It’s hard not to think, ‘What did I do wrong?’ in raising my children. The ‘they touched my hem’ answer is helpful. They have good and responsible families, but the situation is more complicated. The church is not a strong part of their culture. Indeed, the culture often has a negative view of the church. The guilt feelings are helped by knowing that I’m not the only influence in their lives.
You’re so right about our current culture not being supportive of the church — going to church is actually counter-cultural for Gen Xers and Millenials. But I’m sure those “good an responsible families” you name got that way in part because of their early life in the church, learning to follow Jesus, even if no longer into church itself. — But it is hard, isn’t it?
So needed right now. Thank you so very much. May God’s grace be with you!
I keep needing to hear this as well — so grateful to have heard Ron Rolheiser’s generous words! God’s grace to you and yours, too.